Gray Divorce

This has been the subject lately in circles I find myself.  Curvey and I are in our 50’s.  We managed to avoid the dreaded Gray Divorce.  

“Since 1990, the divorce rate for Americans over the age of 50 has doubled, and more than doubled for those over the age of 65. At a time when divorce rates for other age groups has stabilized or dropped, fully one out of every four people experiencing divorce in the United States is 50 or older, and nearly one in 10 is 65 or older.”  —Susan L. Brown and I-Fen Lin, sociologists at Bowling Green State University.

The real eye opener if you read their study further…

More than half of all gray divorces are to couples in first marriages. Indeed, 55 percent of gray divorces are between couples who’d been married for more than 20 years.

If you are married and in your 30’s or 40’s, this should give you pause to re-evaluate your marrige right now.   The numbers do not lie.  You are or will be at risk.


So how do we prevent that?  I can’t sugar coat this.  At some point in a disasterous marrige, the game is over and both parties are simply waiting for the whistle to blow, counting on the other person to be “the bad guy”.  So both limp along quite the miserable duo.   Maybe each secretly just hopes the other dies soon?  It’s a terrible way to live.  Strike that.  It’s both dying slowly.

It’s oft said the basics for any good marriage are Respect, Love and a good dose of communication.  These are the basics for any strong Dominant and submissive relationship. D/s in the kink world are some variation of the letters that make up BDSM.  But there are many D/s couples that aren’t overly kinky.  Whatever works for that couple is what works for that couple. You can call it 50’s Head of the House if you want.

Think about  your grandparents and great grand parents lifestyles.  Simpler times yet much happier for many.  I’m not going to act like there was no spousal abuse, child abuse, etc.  However, in my world, that generation seemed more fulfilled and generally happier.

So the kids have all gone to college and now you are both staring at each other.  What to do now?  There are few choices.  Live as roommates or start the next great stage of life together, on the same page, meeting each other’s needs?  It really is your choice. Both have to want it.  One person can’t do all the heavy lifting while the other does nothing.

Perhaps sexual dysfunction has hit. It’s real. Thankfully there are things to do like exercise, lose weight, proper diet, little blue pills… talk to your Doc.  Maybe all it requires is a different blood pressure Med? Maybe it only happened once but now it’s in your head and you can’t shake it?

Explore your options together. Even if you can’t get it up ever again, there are a million toys, devices, your fingers and tongue.  No excuses.  Take care of her.

I encourage you to not wait until you’re 50 or 60.  Get started now.  Talk to each other and listen.  Find out what really makes her happy.  Ask her to describe all her sexual fantasies.  Go get a BDSM check list and ask each other what all those bizarre sounding terms mean?  Google them together.  You will laugh your asses off.

Explore each other inside and out. Make a commitment to check in with each other daily or at least weekly on the relationship. No talking about kids or work or finances.  Talk about your connection.

Avoid Gray Divorce by a bit of 50 Shades of Grey?  Haha!  That movie was whack but it did bring BDSM more into the mainstream.  I am grateful for that.

This is all doable stuff. Avoid being old and lonely by starting now.  A great book for both to read to help you start out is called Love and Respect.  Both read it and then compare notes. You’ll thank me later.

—Tex

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