One of the issues with couples wishing to enter the D/s lifestyle is a situation where one partner has had a lot more time to research before presenting the idea to the other. I used to keep track in an informal poll and found that subs brought D/s to their Sirs far more often than the other way around.
So the man agrees and he is supposed to suddenly be the Dom. This has nothing to do with being an Alpha Male. This is an entirely new world; new terms, new ideas, new expectations. It can totally overwhelm anyone. Plus most of the time, little miss subbie has been thinking about this for months. Perhaps she enjoys the 50 shades novels or the Bree books? Chatting online with kinky girlfriends?
She has created this perfect image in her head of how she wants it to be. So Mr. New Dom, suddenly getting more sex than he’s had in ages, doesn’t want to screw it up. Hmm… So who’s driving the bus? (Another topic!)
One of the best parts to being a Dom is we get to set the pace. We can slow it down when the girl is in full sub-frenzy. This takes a strong hand and will oft be a new Don’s first real test.
Now they both want to have a kinky D/s scene. Blindfold that girl! Why? So she waits in tense expectation? Sure. But also she can’t see you fumbling around for the next bit of deviousness you have in store. I mean it’s dark. Maybe a candle going and where did that flogger go?
Want to make it worse? Don’t talk. Another big blunder. She needs to hear you tell her what you’re going to do, what you’re doing and what you’ve done. You can talk her into an orgasm and hardly ever touch her. It’s all in your words.
The worst case? (no wait, not the worst case) You end up leaving the room because you left your favorite wand in the closet… She’s wondering where did you go! If she’s tied up, she’s really wondering. Planning planning planning. But where is the spontaneous fun? Yep. Bogged down by working thru step 15-20 and now the worst case is here…
Lost your Hard On. It can happen. Now what? Your girl is laying there waiting for step 21 and damn, dead soldier. Now she starts to freak out. Questions her sexiness. Etc etc etc.
So a tip for the new Doms from a Sir who has made every mistake in the book:
Relax. Stop overthinking it fellas. You will find your rhythm. Do it your way. Make it your own. Communicate with your girl and talk about new things you want to try before she’s tied up! Her feedback will give you all the ideas you need. Don’t read some web blog (mine included) and think that’s the one true way. There is no inventor, no blueprint, no steps 15-20.
We all have heard that it’s all about the journey not the destination. I’m not even sure what our destination is. There’s no map. You are drawing your own map as you explore. Think more Lewis & Clark and less Google Maps.
Just be you. She chose you and you chose her all those years ago. Enjoy each other as you both grow together. Make it fun!
Next time, I want to write about sub-space. One of my favorite topics. Definitely one of my curvey’s top topics!